The Metrosexual

Ok now lets see what you shouldn’t do on a date. Here are the top 10 things any man should strictly avoid doing especially when on a first date with that lucky (or so) girl.

1. Being early for a date and start to kill time by climbing that rambutan tree near her window to spy on her while she gets dressed. (Come on … you wanna see her undressed, not dressed right?)
2. Demonstrating your amazing, death-defying, genocidal skills in maneuvering a motor vehicle on the road  while listening to  AC/DC’s "Born to be Wild"
3. Bringing her to a tattoo parlor to have the tattoo artist permanently engrave each others names on their respective buttocks. No person in their right mind would do this …. at least until the 3rd date.
4. While in a fancy restaurant, avoid bringing your pal who can burp all the chart smashing hits of Bare Naked Ladies to serenade your date.
5. Stop looking at her body while she is talking to you. Yeah I know you love to read her like a book, but by avoid doing so, she’ll let you have the braille version instead if you catch my drift. So look at her eyes …. NO THOSE ARE NOT HER EYES YOU PERVE!!!
6. After a great meal, don’t spoil the occasion by showing off your amazing accounting skills by meticulously counting how much was your and her share and insisting she pays the calculated amount. Be a gentleman, pay for the first date and if she allows it go dutch.
7. Try bringing up the subject of sex in a more subtle way. Do not under any circumstances start (or worst still) demonstrating tricks you may be able to perform with a rubber condom and keep those eggplants and whips aside for the 5th date.
8. Though self depreciation is good but don’t over do it. Moaning and crying while telling your date that you’re lower than the crap whales drop to the ocean floor isn’t going to get you anywhere …. well maybe a mercy **** ….. thats not really a bad idea when I think about it.
9. Showing her that appendix scar, gallbladder scar, that scar you got from falling down a bike when you were ten, corn on your middle toe, mysterious patch of hair that grows on your back and the unique way your pubic hair does not curl spirally as does in all males.
10. While dropping her off at her place a simple peck on the cheek would be preferable rather than playing trying to shove your tongue way down her throat till you can taste the dinner you both had just 2 hours ago.

So there you have all the tips you need to be ready for you’re first date! Why don’t you try it yourself and tell me how it turns out.

Stealing ideas from other notable and great comedians is the lowest form of plagiarism known to man. Luckily for me Will Smith is not a notable nor is he a great comedian so I don’t feel guilty stealing his lines.

Some guys are blessed with the knowledge of knowing what and when to perform a particular move of courtship during a date. A few tend to go overboard with how they act, others tend to blunder blindly throughout the entire date without a clue what is going on. Based on an extensive week long research, (ripping off other people’s work) I have compiled a top 10 list of what you should and should not do on a first date.

TOP 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO:
1) Dress up nicely
    Ask a metrosexual friend to help you dress up this. Fashionable gay friends,          would also prove helpful. Get a hair cut that would make your papa weep. And
    for goodness sake take a shower and don’t overdose on the cologne.
2) Always be punctual for the date.
    True she may take like an hour and a half to get ready but it never hurts to be    
    on time. It’ll leave a great first impression (an impression which I can no longer
    use to describe me *sobs*)
3) Bring a small gift for her.
    A couple of flowers or a tiny box of chocolates though a cliche it is time proven
    to endear yourself to her even if the flowers give her hypersensitivity type 1.
4) Bring her to someplace where people know you
    A restaurant would be a plus for this. Here the head waiter can give you the best
    table in the house with absolute privacy for you to work your magic. In addition
    that you personally know which dish to pick for your lady. I heard they get pretty
    impressed with guys like that.
5) You avoid taking liquor. She take as much liquor as possible.
    You need to keep your wits if you want her to laugh at your jokes or feel for
    you’re bittersweet memories. To achieve that you need to steer clear of the
    happy juice. She on the other hand has to drink steadily throughout the night.
    Don’t offer her too much otherwise she’ll suspect something. Just enough to             keep up the buzz.
6) Be a gentleman at all costs.
    Simple stuff like opening the car/restaurant/restroom door for her. Helping her
    into and out of her chair, thanking and tipping the waiter will help improve her
    impression of you.
7) Paying attention.
    Keep you’re mind on the one thing that matters here. HER. Not her eyes, not her
    cleavage and not imagining her in her lingerie laying down on a bed full of roses      with some champagne and strawberries with whipped cream by the
    bedside(there is plenty of time to do that when you get home and you’re all alone     in your dark bedroom). Pay attention to what she is saying, and for Heaven’s            sake, remember what she said no matter how trivial it may be.
8)  Conversation
    The crystal clear truth is that women don’t give a damn to what we men think
    about. Keep your conversation to what they are interested about and only add
    positive comments to what they are saying. Don’t try adding topics you care
    about until the 3rd date.
9) Dancing
    Usually Hitch I won’t recommend dancing on the first date for a number of    
    reasons. If you can’t dance it’ll only make you look stupid, furthermore even if
    you can dance she may not be able to, making you look like a show off, finally
    (take my word for this) as the ‘General’ of this war of seduction, your ‘Privates’
    may stand at attention longer than they should. So I’ll avoid grinding and            
    bending to Fiddy’s Candy Shop with her unless you wanna freak her out (or
    impress her). If you have to dance just remember the two-step and throw around some shuffle and you’ll get away with it.
10) Calling her after the date
    After you’ve sent her home, give her a grace period of 30 minutes before calling
    her and ask how is she doing. Chat a bit before asking her when she is free for
     you’re next big night out. Be considerate and don’t talk to long if you know that
    she has work or class the following morning.

So I conclude the first half of what you shod do on a first date. My second entry would be the other half of what you shouldn’t do on a first date. Till then.

Seeing that I’ve done the article on what women want, I might as well write another about what men want for a change. Now lets get this straight, I’m saying this from my perspective and not anyone else’s. But goodness knows that my views and the views of my loyal male readers will overlap one way or another.

The problem with girls our age is that they can get too clingy. Some girls tend to want their boy to pay full attention to them regardless of any situation. Whether its going out for a meal, watching a football match or even chatting on msn. A friend of mine told me a situation when his boo actually gave him a good sounding when it took him more than half a minute to reply her msn message. Damn … imagine that. Getting scolded for replying a chat message late. The reason was that she assumed he was pleasuring himself with rather explicit material available on the Internet. Sigh … every guy knows that it takes more than 30 seconds to enjoy porn, an average guy takes 32.5 seconds for crying out loud!!

Guys sometimes want some time alone to reflect on certain issues in everyday life. You know like studies, that hot chick’s rack, work, that hot chick’s ASSets, paying the rent, how that hot chick would look like naked, price of petrol, how would it feel  to …. err …. oh yeah like I said important life altering issues. If you see us brooding alone like that in one corner with a frown or a blank look in our eyes, don’t get all melodramatic and say that we’re having our male PMS or crap like that. We’re just thinking and rationalizing on how to get that hot chick between our sheets.

Besides being alone, we guys also like to hang out with other guys in a non gay way. Though I haven’t played futsal in a long time I enjoy the sport (even if I do have more style than substance). We bond this way through the exhaustion and pain and sometimes humiliation. Its akin to soldiers in battle who somehow manage to forge this lifelong relationship with each other through the suffering. True we may hug each other and slap each other on the buttocks after performing well in a match but that doesn’t make us gay now does it? Its not as though we’re shoving our tongues each others throats and glimpsing at the size of our buddy’s penis in public …. we do that in the locker room.

Defending DoTA is something I feel I need to do since I do play the game. Defense of the Ancients or DoTA is a guy thing. Its a 5 V 5 game where you can pick a particular character (hence now known as hero) or allocated one via random mode. Then you upgrade your hero’s skill through getting experience points and buying certain items to enhance your abilities. The object of the game is easy. You need to push all the way through the 3 towers on either one of the 3 lanes, break the barracks of the enemy and finally attack and destroy the Throne or Tree depending on which team you are on. Each lane would send a legion of small soldiers that are not at your control to assist you on that quest. You kill your enemies soldiers or the enemy himself you get money and experience points. The new version has like 30+ heroes and this ensures that no 2 games can be exactly the same. This is why guys can spend an average of 3 hours playing this stupid game before getting what I like to term DoTA Drunk. You can’t blame us for loving this computer game. Through this game we multitask (yes we can multitask). We control our characters, chat with our friends, go online (once we’re dead) and much more stuff. Hell, we even have time to answer your call and tell you to call back later. How bad can DoTA be?

90% of men watch pornographic material in any one point of their lives, the other 10% are liars. Time and time again it has been proven that men are visual creatures. Don’t you feel pity for us? Women are so lucky to be able to use the sense of smell, touch, hearing and imagination to incite them into the mood. Men on the other hand are either too stupid or too lazy to go through that route. So we opt for the easy way out … porno. Its not like we don’t appreciate you till we have to watch a bunch of actresses getting it from various angles. We tend to watch porn because we want to learn so that when the time is right and that special moment sparks between us we’ll be able to bring you to heaven and back and make that 30 seconds* with you the most memorable 30 seconds of your life.

Men are simple creatures, benign and closer to the animals than women. So have pity on your boys and give them a little bit more freedom but not to the point where they can step on your head (remember we’re kind of dumb). Finally if you see that we’re not paying enough attention to you doesn’t mean you don’t mean anything to us, it just means that the thing getting our attention for that moment means more.

*In my case you take 30 seconds and you multiply it with 100 and you get the time I dedicate to foreplay, you multiply it with 1000 and you get the amount of time for the horizontal hokey-pokey and you divide it with 1,000,000 and you get my recovery time.

Finally Sebby has come back  …… home ……

Pardon the Rock like heading, but I’m so glad I’m back in my state and be amongst my people. You heard me: my people. To hear Bahasa Sarawak and Kuching Hokkien with Iban and Kenyah language spoken by the people of Sarawak brings me much joy.

The thing I love about Kuching is that it changes slowly. One can be gone for 10 years or even more and come back home and still be able to point out some important landmarks.

6 months living solo in KL made me appreciate the small things I took for granted. I don’t have to go out or cook for food. I can use my towel just once before tosing it in the laundry basket without guilt. My internet here is faster and not infected with stupid trojan viruses you’ll get from the IMU com labs. I have my own pimp mobile. Plus the girls in Kuching seem to get prettier and prettier.

Anyway I got some stuff to take care of while I’m back home. When I’m done, I’ll leave Kuching turned inside-out, outside-in and wreck havoc with a trail of destruction wherever and whenever I go and I’m gonna love it …

If you smell what Sebby is bakin’!!

Do you know that annoying programme on TV? You know the one with a bunch of fairly attractive looking guys (I think 3 of them are still in the closet though) trying their best to impress a bunch of local ladies who can’t seem to make up their minds about who is cute and who is not? Yeah that one.

I personally think that the title is rather shallow. Without being rhetoric here, the proper question is not what women want but rather what women need from men.

Ladies don’t get me wrong here. See, you may have a supermodel, boy-toy material boyfriend who has the face of an angel and the well-sculpted body that you and every other lady in this world would want to see every morning. In simpler terms he is what you want.

Lets just put aside the fact that he can make Ashton look like a retarded walrus, what if he treats you like crap whenever he feels like it. True he can charm a fish out of water, but only if he wants something from you. Is that what you want?

But hey at least he is good looking. What about those poor girls who not only treats you like crap AND looks like a retarded walrus? Doesn’t your heart bleed for them too? Mine does. Geez imagine waking up to a retarded walrus every morning.

Women are complex creatures indeed. Everything about them is complex and so hard to understand. Their moods, thoughts, make up and menstrual cycle etc. Yet all complex systems actually have simple patterns and women are no different. Hey I’m not being a sexist I’m just stating the obvious here.

And the obvious is women can’t stop thinking about sex. There I said it. Think about it for one miserable second. Countless issues of many distinguished women’s magazines can’t sell squat unless the word orgasm, bachelor and shoes is in it (well the last item is kind of sexist).

I just read a copy of a year old Cosmopolitan (yes I read women’s mags) and it had this article about (surprise, surprise) orgasms and how to reach them. Secrets shared by sexually active ladies to achieve maximum pleasure with your partners. Secrets that will leave you naked, sprawled-eagle on your bed with your body drenched in sweat and breathing heavily with a smile of satisfaction on your face …… no wait thats just the outcome after a night with me.

Anyway the descriptions given were even more graphic than the regular monthly issue of Penthouse. I was like wow …. women do think about sex. The question is how much?

To be continued ….